COLAGE News Blog

FAQ about Marriage in California May 29 08

Marriage for Same-Sex Couples in California
Frequently Asked Questions
Last updated: May 19, 2008

What Do I Need To Know About Getting Married In California?

1.Can same-sex couples marry in California?

Yes. On May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that barring same-sex couples from marriage is unconstitutional. Beginning as soon as June 16, same-sex couples will be able to marry in California.

2. Can the court’s decision be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court?

No. The decision was based on the California Constitution, and the California Supreme Court has the final say in cases brought under the California Constitution.

3. Does the court’s decision affect the rights of heterosexual couples?

No. The rights of heterosexual couples to marry and the rights and responsibilities of those who are married remain exactly the same. The decision simply enables same-sex couples to marry.

4. Does this ruling require religious groups or clergy members to marry same-sex couples?

No.The court’s decision said the government may not discriminate against same-sex couples by barring them from civil marriage – a legal institution established and regulated by the government. Religious groups and clergy members remain free to recognize or refuse to recognize marriages within their religion as each sees fit. While some faiths do not permit same-sex couples to marry within that faith, a growing number do. As a result of the court’s decisions, same-sex couples may choose to be married by a clergy person in a welcoming community of faith or by a civil servant such as a judge or authorized deputy.

5. For same-sex couples in binational relationships, will getting married in California permit a non-U.S. citizen to gain legal permanent residence in the U.S.?

No. Immigration is governed exclusively by federal law, which currently discriminates against married same-sex couples by refusing to recognize their marriages for purposes of any federal rights or benefits. A heterosexual person who marries a non-U.S. citizen can petition to have his or her spouse become a permanent legal resident; however, current federal law does not provide the same right to a lesbian, gay, or bisexual person who is married to a same-sex spouse from another country. Same-sex couples in binational relationships should consult an immigration attorney before getting married in California or another jurisdiction.

6.Will couples who are registered domestic partners in California automatically become married?

No. Couples who are registered domestic partners are free to decide whether or not they wish to marry. Those who do wish to marry must go through the formal legal steps required for any couples in California to legally marry.

7. Will domestic partnerships in California continue to exist?

Yes. Domestic partnerships still exist under current California law.

8. In 2004, many couples were married in San Francisco, and the California Supreme Court subsequently held that those marriages were invalid. Does the court’s new decision mean that those marriages will now be legally recognized?

No. Those marriages remain invalid, and those couples would have to remarry.

9. If my partner and I were legally married in Massachusetts or Canada, will our marriage now be recognized in California?

Yes. When the court’s ruling goes into effect, couples who legally married in another jurisdiction will be recognized as married in California as well.

10. Should we get married now?

Marriage is a serious legal and personal commitment that should not be entered into lightly. Before getting married, couples should educate themselves about the legal consequences of marriage, in addition to other considerations.

Same-sex couples also face some additional considerations that heterosexual couples do not face, due to discrimination by the federal government as well as by a number of states. Deciding whether to marry is an important decision for everyone, gay or straight, but lesbian and gay couples have to be prepared for and be willing to take on those additional challenges.
A period of legal uncertainty is likely. For example, if you marry in California, you cannot be certain whether your marriage will be respected if you live in, travel to, or move to a state that has laws or constitutional amendments limiting marriage to heterosexual couples.

In addition, current federal law prohibits the federal government from recognizing marriages of same-sex couples for purposes of the many federal rights and benefits given to married heterosexual couples, such as the right to file joint federal income taxes and the right to social security benefits as a surviving spouse. Being excluded from these federal protections, and often state protections as well, is a serious hardship and can cause significant legal problems.
Important Note: Binational couples in which one member does not have permanent legal resident status in this country and anyone serving in the U.S. military should consult with an attorney with expertise in these areas of law before getting married.

11. If we’re already in a registered domestic partnership in California, do we have to dissolve our domestic partnership before we can marry?

No. The California domestic partnership statutes permit an individual to be both married and in a registered domestic partnership, so long as it is to the same person.

12. Is there any reason for couples who marry to also remain in a domestic partnership?

Yes. Being in a registered domestic partnership may protect you if you travel or move to another state that will recognize a domestic partnership but not a marriage.

13. Can out-of-state couples marry in California?

Yes. There is no residency requirement to marry in California.

14. If my partner and I are from another state and marry in California, will our marriage be valid in our home state?

If you live in another state and get married in California, you will be legally married. However, depending on where you live, your home state may not respect your marriage. Many states have passed discriminatory marriage laws, and in those states, state and local governments likely will not respect your California marriage. But even in those states, it is highly likely that at least some private businesses and other private third parties will respect your marriage – particularly those that already recognize same-sex couples through domestic partnership or a similar system.

Marriage is a serious legal decision, and same-sex couples face additional challenges and questions because of continuing discrimination against married same-sex couples by the federal government and many states. We urge couples who are considering getting married in California to proceed with caution. Before getting married in California, you should educate yourselves about the law in your state and, if possible, consult an attorney about the best way to protect your relationship based on your circumstances.

15. Will the federal government recognize marriages of same-sex couples who marry in California?

No. Under current federal law, the federal government does not recognize marriages of same-sex couples. This means that married same-sex couples currently do not have any of the rights, benefits, or protections that federal law gives to married heterosexual couples, such as the ability to file joint federal income taxes or receive federal spousal benefits through social security or other federal programs.

16. Can we file lawsuits if our marriages are not respected in other states or by the federal government?

If you feel you have been discriminated against, please contact one of the LGBT legal organizations listed on this document. We can help you figure out what options you have to protect your rights. Some types of unfair treatment can be the basis of a lawsuit, and other times the unfairness may not be suitable for a court to address. Even when litigation is an option, it is not the only option. It is always necessary to weigh the chances of success or failure because bad results in lawsuits can cause set backs and hurt our entire community. We want to increase the chances of winning overall, so it is critical that we work together to have a carefully planned strategy. Together, we can win!

17. What do we have to do to marry in California?

First you need to get a marriage license from the office of the Registrar-Recorder/County Clerk of any California county. You can get a license application from most counties’ websites and complete it in advance, or complete it in the county clerk’s office. Both of you must go together to the county office and present a government-issued picture ID and proof that you are over 18 years old. (If either or both is younger than 18, different procedures apply.) You’ll need to pay the license fee, which varies by county but generally is less than $100. The license will be valid for 90 days and your marriage can be performed anywhere in California. Neither a blood test nor a health certificate is required. Call ahead or visit the county’s website to learn the hours and locations of the county offices that issue licenses.

18. Who can marry us?

In California, clergy members, active and retired judges and court commissioners, and the Commissioner and Deputy Commissioners of Civil Marriages are authorized to perform legal marriages. The Commissioner and Deputy Commissioners of Civil Marriages perform marriage ceremonies by appointment at designated county offices. There is a fee, which generally is less than $50. Call ahead or visit the county website for more information.

Any couple wishing to marry can also have a friend deputized to perform their marriage ceremony through a county “Deputy Commissioner for a Day” program. If you choose this option, you will need at least two months advance notice and the person to be deputized to perform your ceremony will have to pay a fee and visit the county office in person to be sworn in. Visit the county website to see if your county has this program. If it does not, check whether a nearby county will deputize an out-of-county resident.

The person who performs your ceremony must complete and sign your marriage license after the ceremony. In addition, at least one witness 18 years old or older must sign the marriage license.

The license then becomes your marriage certificate, which has to be returned promptly to the county for filing.

19. What happens if we marry in California and then wish to divorce?

The only legal way to end a marriage is to get a divorce. In order to divorce in California, at least one of the parties to the marriage must be a resident of California for at least six months and of the county in which the divorce is filed for three months before filing a divorce petition. If you move from California to another state, or if you already live in another state, getting a divorce could be difficult. Currently, the only state other than California in which same-sex married couples have a clearly established right to divorce is Massachusetts; however, Massachusetts has a one-year residency requirement before a person can petition a Massachusetts court for a divorce. New York law appears to respect same-sex couples’ out-of-state marriages even though same-sex couples cannot yet marry in that state. So, married gay and lesbian couples should be able to petition for divorce in New York; however, New York also has a residency requirement for divorce. States with civil unions or comprehensive domestic partnerships, like Connecticut, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Oregon, and Vermont, also may allow married same-sex couples to divorce, but each of those states has a one-year residency requirement. That means that at least one spouse must be a resident of the state for a year prior to the divorce.

Couples who are unable to obtain a divorce remain legally married. Therefore, being unable to divorce may cause serious legal problems and complications for same-sex couples who find themselves in this situation.

20. Could right-wing forces take away the freedom to marry at the ballot box in California?

Yes. Because the court based its decision on rights guaranteed by the California Constitution, right-wing groups are trying to amend our state Constitution to eliminate these fundamental constitutional protections and take away the basis for the decision.
These groups, which have received significant funding from out-of-state right-wing organizations, are placing an initiative on the November 2008 ballot that will ask voters to amend the California Constitution to reverse the court’s decision and deny gay and lesbian couples the freedom to marry.

Already, many state leaders are expressing their opposition to this proposed constitutional amendment. For example, in a public statement on April 11, 2008, Governor Schwarzenegger stated that an initiative to amend the California Constitution to ban gay and lesbian couples from marriage was “a waste of time,” adding “I will always be there to fight against that. It will never happen.”

We agree with Governor Schwarzenegger that these outsiders are wasting their time and money trying to turn California into a state that would use its Constitution to take away civil rights and hurt families. But it will take every one of us to stop this antifamily initiative. For more information about how to get involved, contact Equality For All at www.EqualityForAll.com.

21. What can we do to help preserve the freedom to marry we have just won?

We urge you to get involved today! For more information about how you can help, please contact Equality For All at www.EqualityForAll.com. Now that we have won this victory, all residents of California are better off, because strengthening any group of families makes stronger communities for everyone. All people who value families and fairness have a stake in preserving the freedom to marry for lesbian and gay couples. We cannot afford to wait, please act now.

For more information about the court’s ruling, legal information for couples, and action steps to help protect the freedom to marry, please contact:

National Center for Lesbian Rights: www.nclrights.org
Equality California: www.eqca.org
Lambda Legal: www.lambdalegal.org
The American Civil Liberties Union: www.aclu.org

COLAGE Releases KOT Guide May 27 08

COLAGE is proud to announce the release of its Kids of Trans Resource Guide, the first of its kind, which was written by and for people with transgender parents. While many transgender people have children, very few resources exist for transgender parents and their families. Having a transgender parent can often feel isolating or challenging. This crucial resource will provide the growing community of children, youth, and adults with one or more transgender parent(s) much needed information about their experience.

"When my father explained that (s)he was becoming a woman, (s)he handed me a pamphlet about transgender issues," says Monica Canfield-Lenfest, COLAGE Kids of Trans Fellow. "I really wanted a pamphlet for me. Ten years later, that resource finally exists."

The Kids of Trans Resource Guide offers a range of perspectives with valuable quotes from the experts themselves – people of all ages with transgender parents. This invaluable guide seeks to provide an understanding of transgender issues specifically for the children of transgender people with basic vocabulary and concepts, frequently asked questions, and what to expect during a parent’s gender transition. We have included these additional resources: Transition Tips for Parents, Finding Support and Community, Legal Q&A for Kids of Trans Parents, and an expanded Transgender Family Resource List. In addition, the guide features frank discussions about family changes, challenges to acceptance, and the benefits of having a trans parent.

"Even if my family structure is a little bit different from the average family (MTF transgender parent and a biological mom), we still do everything other families do. We enjoy each other's company, eat dinner together, talk, and go out to eat, among much more," says 13-year old Gretchen C. "The way my family is does not change who I am. Though, it does make me more accepting of different types of people and situations."

The Kids of Trans Resource Guide was authored by Monica Canfield-Lenfest and is the culmination of her eight-month Kids of Trans Fellowship at COLAGE from October 2007 through May 2008. Copies are available by donation from COLAGE. An electronic version is also available on the COLAGE website.

Transgender and gender non-conforming parents, family members, people with transgender parents, teachers, therapists, and LGBT community centers are all encouraged to read this valuable new resource.

Check out Bilerico for an article about this new resource.

COLAGE ED on NY Times Home Page May 15 08

Beth Teper, COLAGE Executive Director is on the New York Times website showing her participation in this morning's exciting announcement that the California Supreme Court affirmed the right of all loving couples to be married in the State.

Check it out here!

COLAGE Applauds Historic California Court Decision May 15 08

For immediate release:

May 15, 2008, San Francisco, CA. COLAGE is thrilled to celebrate with our community a historic occasion. Today, the California Supreme Court struck down the state's discriminatory marriage laws banning marriage for same-sex couples. This historic decision is a huge victory for all Californians who cherish fairness and opportunity.

As the national movement of children, youth and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer parents, COLAGE intimately knows that children are most able to thrive when their families receive equal respect and protection from individuals and institutions. By recognizing the right of all Californians to be treated equally and fairly under the law, the Supreme Court of California has affirmed the hopes and dreams of our youth and families who wish to marry.

"This decision will be felt deeply by COLAGE's thousands of youth and family members. We applaud the Supreme Court for affirming that equal rights, recognition and protection under the law are what children and families need and deserve," said Beth Teper, adult daughter of a lesbian mother and Executive Director of COLAGE. "We celebrate this milestone for our community and look forward to the day that all families are legally protected and culturally celebrated."

There are community events being held across the state to celebrate our historic victory in our fight for equality and fairness for all. Join COLAGE and the entire community for a Celebration of Love and Family at the event closest to you.

COLAGE also celebrates the dedication and hard work of the National Center of Lesbian Rights, Lambda Legal, the ACLU and Equality California as well as the courageous plaintiff couples in the case who led us to this exciting win!

The American Family Outing Raises Visibility and Reaches Out in Houston May 13 08

Last week, the American Family Outing kicked off in Houston, Texas. The American Family Outing is a collaborative project of COLAGE, Soulforce, the National Black Justice Coalition and the United Fellowship of MCC Churches to create dialogue between LGBT families and families at six American mega-churches.

During its first weekend, AFO participants hosted a press conference to share their stories with the media and invite Joel Osteen and Lakewood Church to invite them to a family picnic. Speakers included Jay Bakker, the son of Jim Bakker and Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, and the co-founder of Revolution Church and Caitlin McIntyre, COLAGE Speak OUT member. Caitlin shared, "It felt so freeing to tell my story and to speak out against the religious oppression I had so long been victim to. We were refusing to be silent and it was a spectacular feeling."

On Saturday, LGBTQ families and their allies gathered at a community picnic near the Lakewood Church. Members from the LGBT community in Houston and congregants from Lakewood attended the event with the American Family Outing hosts. As a community the group could celebrate the love apparent in all their families and build connections to others who hadn't before had the opportunity to meet lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender families.

On Sunday, American Family Outing families attended Church services at Lakewood, the country’s largest congregation. They sat in a reserved area where they could worship as with the community as well as answer questions from many church attendees who were curious about the American Family Outing. After the service, AFO participants met Joel and Victoria Osteen in the first-time visitors’ line.

After the weekend of actions, Caitlin shared, "Even if we only changed one mind or touched one heart or made a single soul take pause, we have made an invaluable contribution. It is vital to raise our voices wherever we can to make our families, and families like ours, safe no matter where they are. I encourage you to help by lending your voice and your story to the American Family Outing. There are many more opportunities to speak to religious leaders and their congregations, not to mention meet spectacular people, and our efforts really do matter!"

To get involved in upcoming American Family Outing efforts, visit www.soulforce.org/afo.

Soulforce is a national civil rights and social justice organization. Our vision is freedom for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people from religious and political oppression through the practice of relentless nonviolent resistance.

The Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches (UFMCC) is an international fellowship of Christian churches with a special ministry to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

The National Black Justice Coalition(NBJC) is a civil rights organization dedicated to empowering Black same-gender-loving, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people. The Coalition works with our communities and our allies for social justice, equality, and an end to racism and homophobia.

COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer parents. We build community and work toward social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy.

Update from the American Family Outing May 13 08

From the American Family Outing press conference in Houston on May 7th, 2009. Soulforce Media Director, lesbian mom and adult COLAGEr Paige Schilt introduces the AFO project. Next COLAGE Speak OUT member, Caitlin McIntyre shares her story of trying to resolve her faith and spirituality with her love for her gay father.

To learn more about the American Family Outing and get involved visit this website.

COLAGE Speak OUT Campaign: Participate in Blogging for LGBT Families Day May 9 08

Are you a youth or adult with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer parent/s ? Do you want to help raise visibility and awareness about people with LGBTQ parents? Do you use online forums for networking or blogging?

Then COLAGE wants you to participate in the third annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day on Monday, June 2, 2008! The event, developed by LGBT-parenting site Mombian, aims to raise awareness of LGBT families, their diverse configurations, and how current prejudices and legal discrimination have a negative impact on the lives of LGBT people and their children. Bloggers of any sexual orientation, gender identity, and parental status are welcome to participate.

Over 150 bloggers took part last year. Over 25 COLAGE Speak OUT members, youth and adults, participated in this visibility campaign. COLAGE contributions included youth coming out about their families for the first time in a public way, loving reflections and memories of LGBTQ parents, stories ranging from the humorous to the sentimental, and political calls to action.

COLAGE is a national movement of children, youth and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer parents. We build community and work for social justice through youth empowerment, leadership development, education, and advocacy. We encourage our members to participate in this event and to use online forums as a means for raising visibility and awareness about children of LGBTQ parents.

"We know that when we speak out about our true experiences, share the blessings and challenges of having families deemed "different" by the rest of society, and talk about the ways in which we and our families are not equally validated or protected, we have a unique and powerful ability to impact change." said Meredith Fenton, COLAGE Program Director. "Furthermore, particularly for youth and young adults, the Internet, online social networks, and blogs are becoming increasingly influential mediums of communication and we recognize that by being out as people with LGBTQ parents online we can continue to transform society."

Please also download a banner and promote the event on your site. The more people who participate, the more impact our voices will have.

Here are the details on how to join in:

Email Meredith Fenton, COLAGE Program Director at meredith@colage.org to let her know you are planning to participate.

Blog on a topic related to LGBT families on or before June 2, 2008. There's no set formula or format. Photos and videos are also welcome. (Post them on your own site or make sure they are publicly visible on a photo- or video-sharing site.)

Send e-mail to lgbtfamilies@mombian.com with the subject=Blogging for LGBT Families Day and with the permalink to your post. (If you know how, you may also add the tag "blogging for lgbt families day" to your entry.)

If you only post on Facebook or MySpace, you may also add the event organizer, Dana Rudolph, as a friend to notify her of your post. (Here's her Facebook page and her MySpace page. If you do a search for her name, though, make sure to look for the Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day banner image, as there are multiple Dana Rudolphs.) If you do have a regular blog, however (at your own domain or one on Blogger, Typepad, WordPress.com, etc.), please post there, since then your post will be readable even by those who don't have Facebook or MySpace accounts--and the whole point here is to share our posts.

Mombian will compile the posts and highlight them at www.mombian.com on June 2. Please visit and read the stories and insights of our community and allies.

American Family Outing Invites Families from Lakewood Church to a Picnic May 7 08

At a press conference in Houston today, Jay Bakker, star of the documentary series One Punk Under God, issued an open invitation to families from Lakewood Church-the largest church in the U.S.-to share a picnic with LGBT families in Houston's Levy Park on Saturday, May 10, 2008.

The press conference also featured, COLAGE Speak OUT member, Caitlin McIntyre who "would like to ask Lakewood and Joel Osteen to break down those doors and accepting the spectacular gifts and remarkable faith their LGBT members would love to offer- if only they were invited to the table."

Caitlin and Jay's invitation is part of The American Family Outing which aims to create dialogue between LGBT families and families at six American mega-churches. At present, Osteen and Lakeword church have not yet responded to personal letters and phone calls from AFO partners as well as Jay Bakker and noted evangelical speaker Peggy Campolo which were first sent in December 2007. After Wednesday's press conference, Bakker tried to deliver his letter in-person with AFO participants but Lakewood staff told him no one was available to accept the letter.

However, several prominent mega-churches, including The Potter's House in Dallas, Willow Creek Community Church in Illinois, and Hope Christian Church in Maryland, have agreed to meet lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender families through The American Family Outing. Therefore the American Family Outing is extending a warm invitation to any Lakewood members as well as the Houston LGBT Community to come to a Picnic in Levy Park.

When: Saturday, May 10, 2008 from 11am-2pm

Where: Levy Park, 3801 Eastside St., Houston, TX, 77098. (Just off of Richmond, between Buffalo Speedway and Kirby).

Learn more on the AFO Website. If you are a youth or adult with LGBTQ parents who would like to participate, please contact Meredith Fenton, COLAGE Program Director.

Jay Bakker is the son of Jim Bakker and Tammy Faye Bakker Messner, and the co-founder of Revolution Church. His non-traditional approach to ministry achieved national attention in the Sundance Channel documentary One Punk Under God, which documented his journey to become an LGBT-affirming Christian. Jay is dedicating the Mother's Day visit to Lakewood to the memory of his mother. Caitlin McIntyre is the daughter of gay dads and a lesbian mom. She is a student at Rice University and a member of the COLAGE Speak OUT Program.

The American Family Outing is a collaboration between Soulforce, COLAGE, National Black Justice Coalition, and the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches.

COLAGE Mourns the Passing of Mildred Loving May 7 08

COLAGE honors Mildred Loving, a pioneer of marriage equality, who passed away this week. She was 68. Mildred, who was Rappahannock Indian, Cherokee and Black and her husband, Richard, who was White, committed the "crime" of marrying in 1958. With help from the ACLU, the Lovings with unbelievable courage at a time when people were lynched for far less, fought all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court in an effort to defend their own right to marry. Their case, decided in 1967 meant the defeat of laws prohibiting interracial marriage ("miscegenation") in the United States. Richard passed away in 1975.

Whitney Moses, chair of the COLAGE Board of Directors shares, "I can't really fathom a life without Loving vs Virginia, frankly. I first began to understand the complexity of my identity through my mixed race lens. As a preteen I found myself reading mixed race magazines and looking for mulatto icons in the media. The Loving vs Virginia case was where I first began to appreciate how the misguided judgments of a nation could drastically effect the intimate bonds between two people, and how important legal protection was for even our most intimate experiences. Later in life, when I began to understand the queerness of my family and learn about the fight for gay marriage, there was no question in my mind as to what was right and just. I am eternally grateful for how Mildred Loving challenged our country to respect love. Few things are more paramount."

Read Mildred Loving's own words here, issued on the 40th anniversary of her case, making the case for marriage equality.