COLAGE News Blog

Support the Federal ENDA Bill Aug 12 09

Last week, Senator Jeff Merkley (OR-D) joined by Senators Susan Collins (ME-R), and Edward M. Kennedy (MA-D) introduced the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) in an important show of bipartisan support. This bill, which would extend existing federal laws prohibiting employment discrimination to protect people on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, is much needed and long overdue. Not only will it protect LGBTQ individuals from discrimination or harassment in their workplaces, but ENDA provides security and safety to COLAGErs and families by protecting our parents jobs.

While this bill has a good chance of passing, your help is needed. It is essential that you contact your Senators and urge them to support this bill and ask them to become a co-sponsor. Becoming a co-sponsor shows other members of Congress that your Senator will stand in solidarity with our community, which helps build momentum for the bill's passage.

President Obama has said that he is ready to sign this bill. All we need now is for the Senate to act.

Please join COLAGE is supporting ENDA by asking your state's elected officials to sign onto the bill. The August recess is coming up, and it is a perfect time to schedule a meeting with your Representative and Senators about the importance of ENDA. ENDA could be voted on in the House as early as late September!

A series of town hall meetings are scheduled which will allow you to talk about ENDA with your elected officials in your home state. Click HERE to see a list of upcoming town hall events.

If you have a story about how workplace discrimination has impacted you and your family, please contact Meredith Fenton, COLAGE Program Director to learn how you can use your story to build support for ENDA today!

P-Town Family Week: ‘COLAGErs Have All the Answers’ Aug 7 09

P-Town Family Week: ‘COLAGErs Have All the Answers’

August 7, 2009 3:46PM
Michael Cole

COLAGE Banner

Ed. Note: This is the last in a series of posts from Alison Delpercio, HRC’s Workplace & Family Project Coordinator, who is spending the week in Provincetown, Massachusetts volunteering at Family Week.

Today is my last full day here. I just got back from our Community Circle event where we brought together all 250 of the youth for a chance to do the official COLAGE cheer, take a picture and share lessons learned from the week. I have an hour for lunch before I have to go prep for the show and tell performances tonight. Let’s see…

Thursday was a blast. The water balloon volleyball went over well. Filling the balloons left me completely soaked before we even started playing. I lead a lunch chat for 2nd generation COLAGErs (people who have LGBTQ parents and also identify as LGBTQ). It was great to hear the youth talk about their experiences coming out to their parents and friends and to have the opportunity to share with them my coming out story. After lunch, my team won the scavenger hunt (no surprise there)! The hunt took us all around Commercial St., we counted all different types of rainbows throughout PTown and even got a drag queen to kiss a napkin.

The highlight of the day was definitely the Teen Panel. Parents gathered in the high school auditorium and submitted written questions to a panel of teens from the high school group. The teens represented a broad range of backgrounds and family stories. A few were born out of a different-sex relationship like me, some were conceived through donor insemination, some were adopted – both domestically and internationally. Everyone was impressed by their thoughtful, articulate answers. One panelist put it perfectly when he said, “We have all the answers!” True story.

Here are a few of the questions and some of the responses from the youth:

Q: “What was the most difficult period in your youth?”
A: “Middle school by far. In general middle schoolers are pure evil.”

Q: “How open are you about your family in school?
A: “I usually let people find out on their own.”

Q: “Is it hard for you to bring friends over to your house?”
A: “If you treat it like it is normal, they’ll treat it like normal. I just say ‘These are my moms.’ And then we’re like ‘Let’s play playstation!’”

Q: “For those of you who were transracially adopted, how can white parents best support kids of color?”
A:“Be open to conversations about race and try to understand your kids’ experiences. Also be willing and able to step back. Find your kids a mentor who has the same background as them.”

Q: If you had a known donor, when did your parents tell you about him?
A: “My parents didn’t tell me information about my donor until I was five. If you have a known donor I suggest you have them be part of your life from the beginning.”

Parents can learn a lot from COLAGErs. After all, who knows what it is like to grow up with LGBTQ parents better than those actually doing so? If you want to learn more from COLAGEr experiences, you can check out COLAGE’s resources for parents or a great book called Families Like Mine by Abigail Garner.

As for me, I’ve got to eat, head to the show and tell event and then get ready for the dance tonight. I’m looking forward to some crazy COLAGE dancing one last time before I catch an early ferry to Boston tomorrow. I will be back in DC by tomorrow night. Wow, that went quick. Thanks for reading.

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2009/08/p-town-family-week-colagers-have-all-the-answers/

P-Town Family Week Workshop Day Two: Tools for School - Alison Delpercio's Blog #3 Aug 6 09

P-Town Family Week Workshop Day Two: Tools for School

August 5, 2009 10:17AM
Michael Cole

Ed. Note: This is the next in a series of posts from Alison Delpercio, HRC’s Workplace & Family Project Coordinator, who is spending the week in Provincetown, Massachusetts volunteering at Family Week.

For those of you familiar with Provincetown, I’m coming at you from the Purple Feather, a café on Commercial St., where I’m enjoying an iced chai and free WiFi. On my way here, I walked to MacMillan Pier and took a couple pictures. It’s a little foggy off the shore this morning but very calm and beautiful. And to top off this nautical morning, the Titanic movie score just started playing on my iPod (Take Her to Sea, Mr. Murdoch). How terrific!

Yesterday was a productive and thought-provoking day. I worked closely with Liam Cooper, one of my co-facilitators in the middle school group, to plan a workshop for the youth about school issues. We split the group of 60 kids into small groups and lead a series of role play activities. The scenarios for the role playing covered a range of topics from coming out to friends about our families to strategies for dealing with kids and adults who use homophobic or transphobic language and responding to bullying.

I was nervous about the workshop for a few reasons – there were the usual nerves that come when you’re about to see a project come to fruition and those due to the fact that it’s not every day that I facilitate discussions about these issues (What if they stare blankly at me? What if I don’t have all the answers? What if five of them have to go to the bathroom at once? Ahh!).

I was also feeling pressure because I know how important this workshop is. My dad came out to me when I was 15 and I didn’t tell any of my friends until I was 20. Looking back, negative experiences in high school are a large part of what kept me from feeling safe to do so. (I have very vivid memories of a favorite teacher of mine calling something “gay” (meaning stupid) and the knots in my stomach when Dawson’s Creek introduced a gay character and I watched to gauge my friends’ reactions to Jack’s first on-screen kiss with another guy. Would they be really disgusted or just mildly disgusted?) I really wanted to create a space for the youth to learn from each other. A space I didn’t have while growing up.

I was extremely impressed by the youth in my small group. Many spoke more articulately about their experiences dealing with homophobia or decisions to come out to friends about their families than I can today. I read about these issues all the time but the impact of reading reports on school climate from organizations like GLSEN pales in comparison to that of sitting and talking to kids about their experiences. Bullying is an everyday reality for many. It’s also clear that the majority of adults in these kids’ school communities are ill-equipped to support them. What do you say to a 12 year old who is bullied relentlessly for having lesbian parents, who has gone to teachers and has not gotten help, who has gone to parents and found them powerless in changing the situation as well? Sometimes the people who are supposed to make them feel safe are unable to do so.

These stories definitely give me a new perspective on the importance of my work at HRC. I support Welcoming Schools, the HRC Family Project initiative that produces resources for parents, educators and administrators to help create welcoming elementary schools for all children. The main resource is the Welcoming Schools Guide, an LGBT inclusive curriculum guide that covers all types of diversity including family diversity, gender stereotyping and bullying. Let’s just say next time I’m asked to ship out a Welcoming Schools Guide, I’ll be sure to do so before the end of that same day.

We also played our own version of Jeopardy with the youth yesterday! We called it Queerpardy and categories included: LGBT Movement History, GSAs & Safe Schools, and Famous COLAGErs.

Let’s test your knowledge, shall we?

Famous COLAGErs:

* Actress Ally Sheedy (who had a lesbian mother) starred in this 1980s movie about a group of high school students stuck in detention on a Saturday. Her character was notable for her quirky personality and black clothing.
* This star of Transformers films and the most recent Indiana Jones film is a “GOLAGEr” (grandchild of an LGBTQ grandparent).
* This 2ndgeneration COLAGEr is an Oscar-winning actress most well known for her role as Special Agent Clarice Starling the lead in Silence of the Lambs.

GSAs:

* The first ever high school GSA was created in this year.
* GSAs began in this state.

You’ll get the answers tomorrow. Yes, googling is considered cheating. Try to resist until then!

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2009/08/p-town-family-week-workshop-day-two-tools-for-school/

Tell Your Story, Change the World! - Alison Delpercio's Family Week Blog #2 Aug 4 09

Tell Your Story, Change the World!

August 4, 2009 11:55AM
Michael Cole

Ed. Note: This is the next in a series of posts from Alison Delpercio, HRC’s Workplace & Family Project Coordinator, who is spending the week in Provincetown, Massachusetts volunteering at Family Week.

At HRC we often talk about “changing hearts and minds.” Especially with our work in the Foundation as we support our public policy goals by helping Americans get to know the LGBT community and support equality.

I know my blog post from yesterday left you on the edge of your seat thinking – “Tell your story, change the world”? What’s that all about? – well, it’s about changing hearts and minds. The more people know members of the LGBT community and our families, the more pro-equality they are. By telling our stories, COLAGErs are changing the world. This can mean telling teachers, friends, coworkers, etc. about our families or being active in a local COLAGE Chapter.

Liz Wall, a volunteer staff member here at PTown (who just so happens to be my roommate this week), is accustomed to telling her family story on a larger scale. Take, for instance, this ABC News story about Liz’s family that was posted online yesterday!

(Danielle and Jeff, two adult COLAGErs quoted in the CNN story from June that I linked to yesterday are also here in PTown this week. That’s right. I’m name dropping.)

Liz and I sat down together at a café on Commercial St. and read the ABC article during our break. I was curious to know what it was like to talk to a reporter about her family and hear Liz’s thoughts on how the article turned out. Below are some highlights from what we like to call the The Interview about the Interview.

Alison: So, Liz, how did ABC get in touch with you for this story?

Liz: ABC contacted Meredith Fenton, the national program director of COLAGE, and said they were looking for an adult with gay or lesbian parents who was adopted and has been with their family since a young age. So I called the reporter during a lunch break here at COLAGE training and we did the interview over the phone.

Alison: How many interviews like this have you done?

Liz: I started sharing my story at a young age. My parents were very open so it was easy for us as a family to get out there and talk. Whenever someone asked us to tell our story, we would do so nearly without exception. One of my first experiences of this is when my parents and I would go to a class and talk at a local college. When I got involved with COLAGE I knew I wanted to continue to speak out about my family. I’d say I’ve been involved with 20-30 different interviews and documentaries.

Alison: We’ve talked some here in PTown about the pressure COLAGErs sometimes feel to be “poster children” for LGBT parenting. Do you ever feel that pressure?

Liz: I’ve never felt like I had to be a poster child but sometimes in my life when I didn’t know anyone else with gay parents I did have that fear that I would be the only one up there as an example; the only standing up for my family. But once I came out to my friends, they were there for me, right by my side. My friends supported me and my family. They were willing to help out in school.

Alison: How did your friends support you in school?

Liz: They helped me explain my family. Like if I was meeting a new friend and had some friends with me, maybe I’d say “yeah I have two dads” and another friend would say “yeah, her dads are awesome” or something like that. It would take some of the pressure off of me and help make the situation easier.

Alison: What would you say the perks of being a COLAGEr are?

Liz: Guaranteed admittance into any college.

Alison: What? How do I not know this? Please explain.

Liz: A lot of my COLAGEr friends have written about having LGBT parents for their admissions essay into college. It’s kind of like a guaranteed in. Like – “Oh! This one’s different. We have to take her!”

Alison: Okay, Liz, back to the ABC article. My readers are dying to know – how did this story compare to others?

Liz: [rolling her eyes at me] This interview was pretty typical. I’m used to a lot of the questions like: What do you call your dads? How was your time in school? Did you wish you had a mother?

Alison: Is there a question you’re never asked that you wish you were?
Liz: Reporters don’t often ask me about the present or my future plans very often. They usually focus on the past, my childhood, etc.

Alison: Okay, let’s wrap up The Interview about the Interview with this then: what are your future plans?

Liz: I just went to Africa to work at an AIDS orphanage over spring break. There are a lot of COLAGErs out there and I feel like I don’t always have to be an LGBT advocate. I’ve thought about joining the Peace Corps and doing AIDS activism. I think I’m going to write a thesis at school on something related to HIV/AIDS on a global scale.

Before Liz and I rushed off to our next activity of the day, we read some of the comments on the ABC News page. Of course some of these comments reminded us of the many hearts and minds still left to be changed. For example, someone equated lesbian and gay families with a “Frankenstein family.” This person definitely gets points for originality. I’d also like to thank them for the great laugh they gave Liz and I in the middle of our busy day.

One last thing I wanted to mention is that the ABC article doesn’t discuss bisexual or transgender parents and their children at all. These families are here in PTown and out there in America helping to change hearts and minds every day. COLAGE’s mission and work is inclusive of our entire community (check out their Kids of Trans program) and I hope similar stories discussing the “Gayby Boom” will broaden their scope to show the diversity of the LGBT community and our families.

Okay, that’s all for now – Liz and I are off in search of Frankenstein costumes for the COLAGE dance on Friday!

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2009/08/tell-your-story-change-the-world/

Greetings from Family Week 2009! - Alison Delpercio Blog Aug 3 09

Provincetown Family Week 2009 is happening now! Alison Delpercio, one of our fabulous Family Week volunteer facilitators, will be blogging at HRC Back Story all week. Here is Alison's first post (online here):

Greetings from Family Week 2009!

August 3, 2009 1:55PM
Michael Cole

Ed. Note: This is the first in a series of posts from Alison Delpercio, HRC’s Workplace & Family Project Coordinator, who is spending the week in Provincetown, Massachusetts volunteering at Family Week.

“I have a gay dad and a straight mom. My dad came out to me when I was 15.”
“I have two lesbian moms and a donor dad.”
“I have a transgender dad.”
“I have two gay dads and a little brother.”
“I have a bisexual mom and a gay dad.”

COLAGE Mark LogoThat first quote up there is mine. The rest are from a few of my fellow staff members here at Family Week in Provincetown, Mass. where I am volunteering for COLAGE, a national organization based in San Francisco, Calif. COLAGE works to connect children of LGBTQ parents to a community of peers who share their experiences and as part of this work, COLAGE partners with Family Equality Council during Family Week to provide programming for youth ages 8 and up who have LGBTQ parents (COLAGErs as we call ourselves).

So, this week I’ve traded in my cubicle on the 5th floor of HRC’s HQ for classrooms at Ptown High School where I’ll work alongside nearly 40 other adults who have LGBTQ parents to run workshops on everything from coming out as a COLAGEr to the history of the LGBT movement and tools for activism in your community.
COLAGE Family Week Staff 2009 at Training

COLAGE Family Week Staff 2009 at Training

Aside from the occasional news story about the “Gayby Boom,” the perspectives of people with LGBTQ parents are not heard often. While our families are just like other families in many ways, people with LGBTQ parents face the everyday reality that our families are treated differently and/or discriminated against. Family Week provides an opportunity for COLAGErs to build community and learn from one another.

This is my second year here; last year I learned a lot from the youth we worked with every day and I’m sure this year will be no different. In their own words COLAGErs answered many questions like: What’s it like in school these days for kids with LGBTQ parents? What can LGBTQ parents do to best support their kids?

This year I’ll be sharing my experiences with you on HRC Back Story. So far I’ve completed staff training and helped out with the Family Week kickoff events, including a family dance. AND I can report a few key lessons from working with the youth already: 1) It is very difficult to play Duck-Duck-Goose in flip flops. Don’t try it. 2) Rock Paper Scissors takes skill. Just because they’re smaller than you doesn’t mean you’ll win. 3) COLAGErs can dance. For real.

Look for my post tomorrow about the first day of Family Week programming where I’ll be with middle school COLAGErs facilitating the “Tell your story, change the world” workshop.

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2009/08/greetings-from-family-week-2009/

'Gayby Boom' Fueled by Same-Sex Parents - ABC News Article Aug 3 09

'Gayby Boom' Fueled by Same-Sex Parents
Post-1980s Children of Gay Parents Thrive in School, More Open Society
By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES

Aug. 3, 2009—

In 1994, Daddy Dave and Daddy Bob prepared 5-year-old Elizabeth Wall for the first day of kindergarten in New Jersey, meeting with the principal in advance to ease her transition as the daughter of two gay men.

They never learned until years later how insensitively the school reacted to their unconventional family, according to Wall, now 20 and a sociology major at The College of Wooster in Ohio.

"They had never had gay parents before," Wall told ABCNews.com. "It's funny, after the principal met with them, he went to the faculty and said, 'Who wants to take her?'"

Fortunately one teacher, who later became a close friend, volunteered and took the little girl under her wing in the classroom, but for years Wall was careful about only telling close friends that she had two fathers.

"Obviously I was different and didn't have a mom," she said. "We are living in a world that treats our families differently. It can be isolating and challenging."

Wall is one of a growing number of children, who affectionately call themselves "gaybies" or "queer spawn." Born after the AIDS crisis of the 1980s, they are now reshaping the American family.

Of the 270,000 children living with same-sex parents, about 65,000 are adopted. Most, like other Americans, are in two-child families.

"It's amazing how many of us there are," said Wall, who is working this week as a counselor with the organization COLAGE, or Children of Lesbians And Gays Everywhere, at its Family Week in Provincetown, providing children of same-sex families with support.

20 Percent of Gay Couples Have Children Under 18

Just under one percent of all couples in the U.S. -- or 594,391 people -- identify themselves as gay, lesbian or transgender, and about 20 percent of them are raising children under the age of 18, according to the Williams Institute, an organization that advances sexual orientation law and public policy.

Having children is made possible through reproductive technology such as egg or sperm donation and surrogacy. Many, like Wall's parents, choose to adopt. About four percent of all adoptive parents are same-sex couples.

"Anecdotally, we are hearing a lot of stories about what is being called the 'gayby boom,' same-sex couples having children," said Naomi Goldberg, a public policy fellow at the Williams Institute.

"They are shattering the stereotypes that gay men don't want kids," she told ABCNews.com. "They want the same thing straight couples want."

Television personality Rosie O'Donnell first brought gay parenting to light in the mid-'90s and since then, same-sex families have gained growing acceptance in a predominantly heterosexual society.

Today, gay marriage is legal in six states. And for the first time in history, the 2010 census will include data from same-sex marriages, unions and partnerships, bringing gay families out of the demographic closet.

But families like the Walls say it's been a long, hard road to gain societal approval.

In 1989, at five days old, Elizabeth Wall was adopted by David Wall and Bob Houck (though Houck would not get legal custody until 1994) as part of the first major wave of children adopted by gay couples.

Prior to that, children who lived in same-sex households were from straight, divorced parents.

Children of Gay Parents Come of Age

"There were few 'out' models of gay and lesbian-headed families 20 years ago," said David Wall, registrar at Princeton Theological Seminary. "Many folks were still in the closet or only partially out. That has now totally changed."

Elizabeth Wall was born at the height of the AIDS crisis in New Jersey and was at risk for being a "boarder baby," according to David Wall. "No one wanted these kids."

Her biological mother died of the disease, and Elizabeth Wall hersellf tested positive for antibodies until she was 2.

At 12, she was reconnected with her biological family, finding she had a sister, uncle, aunts and cousins.

But as a child, her adoptive parents made a point of having female role models in her life -- grandmother and trusted family friends. "I didn't long for a mother," she said.

There was only one support group in New Jersey, and the family had to travel one to two hours to find another gay couple with a child.

"Each year, new things would come up, and she was educating the teachers and classmates, daily," said David Wall.

Forms -- from schools to doctors to insurance companies -- were the biggest issue for the couple.

Annoyed by Forms and Afraid to Travel

"People just didn't ever imagine our family configuration," David Wall said. "I was constantly crossing out mother and father, mom's phone, mom's work, etc., and putting parent or simply crossing out mother and putting in second father. Our box just simply didn't exist."

When their first family photo appeared in their church directory, conservative groups made derogatory remarks. Wall and Houck were afraid to travel for fear they would not be recognized as their daughter's parents and always carried her birth certificate.

But by the time Elizabeth Wall got to high school, she was greeted by an openly gay principal and found a friend from a similar same-sex family.

"Churches are much more open to gay young people coming out, and families like ours are more visible," David Wall said. "And people are no longer afraid to talk about our families."

Cathy Renna, a Washington, D.C., lesbian, and her partner have a 4-year-old daughter through artificial insemination. They often attend Rosie O'Donnell family cruises and hear discussions by older children about the challenges of having gay parents.

"I was trying to imagine when she was a teenager what she would say," said Renna. "Most of the kids on the panel were the product of hetero marriages and the parents came out. That's totally different than being brought into the world by a same-sex couple."

"This generation of kids growing up will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about," she told ABCNews.com. "This kid could not be more loved or more wanted."

Less research has been done on children in families headed by gay men, but data collected as part of the National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study have shown few differences in psychosexual development, psychological adjustment and overall well-being.

"Boys seem to do as well as girls," said Dr. Nanette Gartrell, associate clinical professor of psychiatry at University of California, San Francisco and principal investigator in the 23-year study.

"Most offspring of same-sex parents are heterosexual as adults," she told ABCNews.com. "By the time our study kids were 10 years old, they demonstrated a sophisticated understanding of diversity and tolerance, and an appreciation of the destructive effects of discrimination."

Lesbian Daughters Have Double the Fun

Abby and Jenna Bergman of Los Angeles have two mothers: Natalie and Kim Bergman. The lesbian couple was married in British Columbia in 2008 and has been legally recognized in California while Proposition 8 is being challenged.

"Love makes a family," said Abby, who is 13. "I always grew up this way. I never realized anyone was different."

Though Jenna, 10, thinks it might be "kind of cool" to know what it's like to have a dad, she has friends and even a teacher with "two mommies."

The girls have uncles and a grandfather who have been a male presence in their lives. They also like making two presents on Mother's Day -- "double the fun," said Abby.

For the most part, their lives are not unlike their schoolmates', though every once in awhile they encounter ignorance and homophobia.

"Once at camp I remember talking to a kid and becoming rather close, but when I told him I had two moms, he avoided me for the rest of the week," said Abby. "He was afraid because his parents had said something to him."

Jenna, too, said when she was younger some of her classmates thought her family was "weird and didn't understand it."

The girls have been told by their mothers, "you can marry anyone you want, regardless of gender."

For Julien Goutierre, who is heterosexual, growing up in a same-sex family has expanded his view of relationships.

The 33-year-old health care worker grew up in Paris with a gay mother who introduced her partner to her son when he was 13.

"I preferred it be a girl than a man," he told ABCNews.com. "A woman would be less dominant."

Claire Elkins, an American, and Barbara Goutierre, who is French, married in Vancouver in 2003, and their son said their relationship has shaped his own character.

"I am very tolerant about gay people, and with my girlfriend I shared the housework, cleaning and doing all the dishes," said Julien Gouttiere. "In France, that's something men just don't do."

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Wall, who is also straight, agrees that being the daughter of a gay couple has made her more tolerant of others, no matter what their racial or religious background.

"It's given me a lot more confidence in my family and makes me a stronger person," she said.

Houck became her second legal parent after the ACLU took on their case, the second in the state, to challenge the adoption laws in New Jersey.

"It opened the door to others," said David Wall. "I worried if something happened to me that my brother would get Elizabeth instead of Bob."

Though they had been legal domestic partners since the early 1990s, Wall and Houck exchanged vows in a civil union at their church in 2007, and their daughter took part in the ceremony.

Today, Elizabeth Wall said life with her two fathers is no different than having a mother around. "Both are very open and emotional," she said.

And like any set of parents, one is more permissive than the other.

"When I scream, 'Daddy,' they know which one I want by the tone of my voice," she said. "There's a Dad who says 'no' to everything and so I know which Dad to go to if I want something."

Copyright © 2009 ABC News Internet Ventures

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ReproductiveHealth/story?id=8232392&page=1