Transition Tips for Parents

“See the transition as not being about the [parent] going through change, but the whole family going through change. Everyone needs support.” – Steve Vinay G., age 48

Since there are very few parenting resources available to transgender people, we have included these best practices for transitioning parents. Of course, there are other issues involved in transgender parenting. See our Transgender Family Resources List for publications, websites, and parenting organizations. If you haven’t already, please request a copy of our Kids of Trans Resource Guide, read it over, and give it to your children.

• Coming out to family is a major issue for transgender people and can be a difficult process. Please keep in mind that the entire family transitions, not just the transgender parent. Every member of the family needs time and support to adjust to the changes of a gender transition. The process of acceptance can take a while and is often ongoing. You can let your children know – through language and action – that, no matter what, you will still be their parent.
• As a parent, remember that your children come first and your transition comes second. Transition is an inherently self-focused process, as you align your body and appearance with your gender identity. The best way to be a responsible parent during transition is to make your children a major priority throughout the process. Sometimes this means that you have to compromise your ideal time frame for your transition in order to keep relationships with your family healthy. We suggest working with a transgender-competent therapist to deal with your own issues before coming out to your kids. The more comfortable you are with your decision, the easier it will be to answer their questions and support them through your transition.
• How you tell your children is critical. Try to avoid coming out around the holidays or major family events, when there is often extra pressure and expectations. You can have the conversation in a safe space with plenty of time, where the conversation can’t be overheard and where they will feel comfortable continuing the conversation.
• Knowing your kids and the way they process will help you decide just what to say. If you are nervous, you can write it down first or practice with a friend. Come out to them in an age-appropriate way that fits with their personality. It’s best to keep your sentences short and concise to avoid overwhelming them with too much information (such as details about surgeries or hormones). People’s responses will vary – some children will ask a million questions and others will have no reaction at all. Keep in mind that they may not want to talk about it right away or may just want some space to think things over. Regardless of their initial reaction, you can make yourself available for future conversations.
• Many times, this is a traumatic event, in that it changes the way your child sees the world. Throughout the transition, it’s important to acknowledge that this is a process for everyone and that feelings are okay. If possible, you and your spouse/partner (or ex-spouse/ex-partner) should create a united front to support your children through your transition, especially if you are separating or divorcing. Continue to be a responsible, caring parent and remind them that you will love them no matter what. You can also provide your children with transitional objects, such as a letter or card, something they can hold onto to remind them that you will always be their parent.
• Children benefit when you involve them as much as possible. Try to give them advance notice about decisions you are making and how they may impact your appearance, your day-to-day lives, or your family. When possible, make some decisions together. Respect your children’s wishes about how, when, and to whom they come out about you. We encourage you to give them a say about what to call you and how involved you will be in their public lives. If the decisions your child is making about these issues are hard for you, discuss your feelings with other adults, trans parents, or therapists, rather than expecting your child to take care of you.
• Your child may benefit from additional support throughout your transition. You can provide them with options of other supportive adults to talk with, such as a therapist or family friend.  Encourage them to connect with other people with LGBT parents through COLAGE – either locally or through the internet. As a parent, you can help them understand that there is so much difference in the world and everyone is explaining their own difference.  Ultimately, that is the gift of having a transgender parent.

“Worrying only does so much, after which it only sours relations, rots potential, and undermines dreams. Laughter gets you the rest of the way.” – Jonathan F., age 24

“Coming Out To Children.”  Witney, C. From Uncommon Lives, by Catherine Whitney, and Brian Miller’s chapter from Gay and Lesbian Parents, edited by Frederick W. Bozett. http://world.std.com/~ewk/outchil.html

-“Talking to Children About Our Families.” Margie Brickley and Aimee Gelnaw for the Family Equality Council. Topics in this guide include talking to kids about sexual orientation, how LGBTQ families are created, changes that occur within families, gender identity and the larger LGBTQ community and families. http://www.familyequality.org/resources/publications/talkingtochildren.pdf

-“There’s Something I’ve Been Meaning to Tell You.” Macpike, L. True life stories from 25 lesbian and gay parents who have come out to their children. Naiad Press, Tallahassee, 1989.

- “Thoughts on a Father’s Coming Out to His Children.” Buxton, Amity Pierce. GAMMA Newsletter, July/ August, 1998. Available at http://www.ssnetwk.org/reading.shtml.  This article suggests ways for gay fathers to make disclosure to children safe and comfortable for both parents and children from the perspective of a straight, former spouse of a gay father.

-“What Does Gay Mean?” Ponton, Dr. Lynn Published by the National Mental Health Organization. To request a copy call 1-800-969-6642. This booklet discusses how you can talk to kids about sexual orientation. It includes information about different ways to address sexual orientation for different age groups and how to talk about homophobia and discrimination.

Advice and Insight from Folks with  LGBTQ Parents.

My advice to parents is to come out CLEARLY—not once, but several times in different ways. There should be the sit down at home and have a frank talk about it version. (And remember: coming out as a LGBTQ person doesn’t have to include talk about SEX.) Then there should be reminder/check-in discussions, as in “What did you think of that gay character in the movie?” or “What do you want to do for gay pride month?” or “How do you feel about putting this rainbow sticker on the family car?” Just as your coming out process was probably gradual, your kid(s)’ process will take place over a period of time. Being honest in the beginning will save a lot of grief later.  Meema, New York City, NY.

I often hear that children are smart, and can pick up on a lot.  I can vouch, that this is very true.  A few years before my dad came out to me, I suspected that it was true.  Unfortunately, before my dad told me, I had already found a card from a man he had been dating.  My advice to parents in the process of coming out to their kids is the sooner the better.  In your coming out process, be as open and honest as you can.  Make the situation a positive thing in your child’s life.  Be confident in your decisions, and know that your child loves you for you, and not your sexuality. Amber, Lawrence, KS.

When my mum came out to me more than four years ago, I was not upset about it. The idea of having two mums was very exciting and I felt, and still feel, like it was a huge bonus for me. To me it feels like there can’t be anything better than having two mums. I was never upset that my mum was a lesbian, only worried about the difficulties that it would entail. Though I came across some problems at school etc., I feel that my family situation has made me a stronger and better person. Being in the minority has a lot to be said for it, and it really makes you appreciate everything that you have. I’d never change my mums’ sexuality. It’s a blessing. Hannah, United Kingdom

Tell your kids as soon as possible—it’s better that they hear it from you than from anyone else. Also if you have more than one child, try and tell them all at the same time. Otherwise you will put the kids that know in a difficult situation of not telling their siblings. When this happened to me, although I was okay with the idea of having a gay parent, I was uncomfortable with it being a secret. Being as open and honest as possible about your sexual orientation will role model to your kids that difference is not something for which you need to be ashamed. Max, San Francisco, CA.

When my mom came out to me, she just slipped it into a conversation. It felt uncomfortable, awkward and a total surprise. I wish that my mom would have said something like, “I have something that I want to talk to you about.  It might sound surprising and I’m not sure how you will take it. I have had some realizations about my feelings in relationships. I am starting a relationship with a woman and I feel very much in love with her.  Our friendship has been growing for 8 years and we have mutual feelings.  What do you think about what I just said?” Lisa, Portland, OR.

When I was in third grade my mom went to her friend Debbie’s wedding.  When I asked her how it went she told me she had a lot of fun dancing with Kathy… I laughed and said “Duh mom what are you gay?” She said “actually I am.”  This is the first time I really understood what she meant by “I love Kathy” (her partner).  Don’t ask her about it though… she swears that’s not how it happened. Diane, Kingston, Rhode Island

My advice is don’t sweep it under the rug or assume that it doesn’t affect your children because it is simply YOUR identity. In fact, it changes the identity of your entire family and the way in which they see themselves in relationship to other families. Your children will be very sensitive to the homophobic images and comments they are exposed to, and this is not always easy for children to understand or voice, especially when they have not formed their own sexual identities. An additional piece of advice is to never hide your relationships. If your children are raised around out, honest and loving relationships, they will be more likely to enter the world with a strong sense of the legitimacy of their family and personal identity. By being a visible LGBTQ parental presence, you can help affirm the normalcy of your existence for you, your children, and the society in which they will raise their children.  Ava, Wellesley, MA.

To Participate or Not to

Participate?

Tips for youth deciding whether or not to volunteer for research studies

As the child of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) parent(s), you may be invited to participate in a range of research studies aimed to understand the experiences, perspectives, and functioning of youth with LGBTQ parents. These studies may be conducted by high school students, college students, graduate students, or PhD (doctoral) level researchers and scholars, and may be helpful for advancing understanding and knowledge of our families. However, before deciding whether you wish to participate in such studies, it is worth asking the researcher the following questions:

1. What is your personal motivation for conducting this study? Do you have any ties to the LGBTQ community yourself/Are you a COLAGEr? As a potential research participant, you have the right to inquire about the researcher’s reasons for conducting this study, what initially interested them in the topic, what their beliefs are regarding LGBTQ parenting, and so on. Depending on the researcher’s response, you may feel more or less comfortable with participating. For example, if the researcher is a COLAGEr themselves, this suggests that they have some insider knowledge about what they are studying, and are probably motivated by a desire to better understand and share the experiences of other COLAGErs.
2. What are your major research questions? What are you hoping to find out with this study? You may wish to inquire about the topic(s) that the researcher is studying, and what questions the researcher will be asking you if you participate, in order to determine whether you feel comfortable with the types of questions that you would be asked. If any of their responses make you uncomfortable for any reason, you have the right to tell them.
3. What is your affiliation? (Who do you work for, if anyone?) It is a good idea to find out what school, organization, or university the researcher is affiliated with. This way, you can “google” (or research) both the individual and their institution to ensure that neither have taken an explicitly negative or anti-affirming stance with regard to LGBTQ parenting.
4. How will the information I provide be used? It is a good idea to find out how, if at all, the information that you provide will be used. That is, does the researcher plan to present the information or “data” that they gather to a wider audience? (e.g., students, researchers, etc.) Do they plan to publish the information in a journal article or book format? There are benefits to working with a researcher who intends to publish their material. For example, it means that the information you provide may be communicated to a larger audience with the goal of educating and informing that audience about the realities of LGBTQ-parent families and the children in these families. However, if the information that you provide will be shared with a broader audience, it is important to ensure that the information that you provide will be de-identified; that is, that identifying details (your name, and other details that could potentially identify you) will be changed in final publications and reports. If they are doing their research at an undergraduate level, it is not likely that the research will have a broad impact, although it may educate the student themselves and potentially their teacher/s and or classmates.
5. What are my rights in the research process? As described above, it is important to find out whether your information will remain confidential—that is, you should ensure that your name and other identifying details will not be linked to the information you provide in any way. Additionally, it is important to make sure that the research that you will participate in has been approved by the researcher’s institution’s Institutional Review Board. It is the job of Institutional Review Boards (or IRBs, as they are sometimes called) to review the studies that are being conducted by the students, faculty, and employees of the institution to ensure that the rights of study participants (i.e., you) are protected. Do not participate in any study that does not have IRB approval. If the researcher has IRB approval, and you decide to participate in the researcher’s study, you should receive something (which you will be requested to sign) called an “Informed Consent” form. This form details your rights in the research process, and also provides you with the telephone number of the IRB should you have questions or concerns about the research in which you participated, or your rights in the research process.
6. Will you be sharing your findings with research participants? Can I get a copy of the final paper/report/etc.? You may wish to ask the researcher whether they will be sharing the findings of their study with the people who participated in it. Likewise, you may wish to find out whether they are willing to mail or email participants copies of final papers, published reports, or any research summaries that they compile.

After asking the researcher the above questions, or any others you may have, you should only participate if you feel comfortable. Research studies are completely voluntary, which means you should not feel pressured to participate. You may also end your participation at any time once you start. If you start an interview or a survey but do not feel comfortable answering the questions or for other reasons no longer wish to participate, that is your decision. Only YOU know what’s important and feels comfortable to YOU!

You can also turn to COLAGE for help or advice regarding your participation in research studies. If you have any questions about a research study before, during, or after you participate, feel free to contact a member of the COLAGE staff.

The winner of Keshet’s national book-writing contest, the first LGBT-inclusive Jewish children’s book in English!

ABOUT THE BOOK:
Nate has a Purim dilemma. He loves aliens and really wants to wear an alien costume for Purim, but his friends are all dressing as superheroes and he wants to fit in. What will he do? With the help of his two dads he makes a surprising decision.
(For ages 4-9)

Published by Kar-Ben Publishing, an award-winning publisher of Jewish children’s books, the manuscript is the winner of Keshet’s national book-writing contest. We’re thrilled to share this book with you.
CELEBRATE THE RELEASE!
Be part of history and host a party to celebrate this milestone. We’ve created materials to help you throw a fabulous event.

Or join us at one of these public parties! We’ll add new public events to our website as they are scheduled. (Many people are also holding private book parties in their homes.)

• February 2: Miami at Next@19th
• February 3: San Francisco Bay Area at the Afikomen Judaica bookstore
• February 17: Denver at the Mizel Museum
• February 24: Boston at the Leventhal-Sidman JCC

LEARN MORE:
Read an interview with author Elisabeth Kushner and find out what inspired this librarian to write The Purim Superhero.
Read the first review of the book in Kirkus Reviews!
This project was made possible by the generous support of:

• Jane Fantel and Laura Galinson
• John and Beth Gamel
• Harold Grinspoon and Diane Troderman
• Jeff Grinspoon and Jon Foley

• Click here to order your guide today!

This groundbreaking publication captures the perspectives of donor-conceived youth and young adults who were raised by lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer (LGBTQ) parent. The DI Guide offers testimonials in order to answer the questions and address the concerns of current and future generations of donor-conceived children. It is also an invaluable handbook for current and future LGBTQ parents, as well as teachers and medical professionals.

The DI Guide is comprised of four sections. The first section deals with people’s personal relationships with their donor, the second discusses how donors interact with families, the third outlines the struggles DI COLAGErs face when talking about insemination or their families and the fourth is a collection of stand alone resources which includes guides for current parents, prospective parents, medical professionals, teachers as well as a legal resource page for DI COLAGErs.

The DI guide has generated much excitement within the fertility industry and the LGBT community. Alice Ruby, the Executive Director of The Sperm Bank of California, one of the first sperm banks to offer their services to single and/or lesbian women, wrote the following about the guide: “The COLAGE DI Guide is remarkable in both breadth and specificity. However, what is most extraordinary about this comprehensive resource is that it is written both for and by donor-conceived individuals. While intended for our children, this document also serves as an important reminder to parents that DI babies grow up and have their own perspectives about their conception and about living in LGBT families.”

Joanna Scheib, PhD, of the University of California, Davis and The Sperm Bank of California, adds, “Jeff DeGroot of COLAGE has created a timely and desperately needed “how to” guide for people whose parents used a donor to have them. . . . COLAGE’s DI Guide is a fantastic resource for anyone who has a sperm donor. . . . While written for adolescents and adults from queer families, anyone with donor origins will find this helpful. DeGroot covers many difficult topics, such as broaching the topic of your donor with your parents, approaching relationships with others who have the same sperm donor without excluding your own siblings, and more generally dealing with everyday challenges of answering the question “who’s your father?” The DI Guide is beautifully written, easy to read, and full of great quotes from youth and adults with donor origins. It takes complex issues associated with being from a DI family and puts them into simple frameworks that make things much more easy and manageable. I expect the DI Guide will become a household staple among families created through donor insemination.”

About the ART Project: The DI guide, along with the fellowship that made the project possible, are part of the COLAGE ART Project. In the fall of 2009, COLAGE launched the ART Project to highlight the experiences of youth born to LGBTQ parents through assisted reproductive technologies. Over the past 30 years the number of people born through these technologies has steadily grown, yet little, if any, work has been done to bring this community together or address the experiences of these youth and adults. The first major effort of the ART Project has been the publication of the DI Guide along with the research that allowed for its creation. In the coming years, COLAGE looks forward to expanding the ART Project and its programs to include workshops and resources for COLAGE youth born through other assisted reproductive technologies,including surrogacy.

GROUPS AND ORGANIZATIONS FOR TRANSGENDER PARENTS AND THEIR CHILDREN

COLAGE

COLAGE is the only national youth-driven network of people with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer parents. Living in a world that treats our families differently can be isolating or challenging. By connecting us with peers who share our experiences, COLAGE helps us become strong advocates for ourselves and our families.

Programs include: local chapters, online communities, visibility and support resources, Pen Pal program, the Just For Us publication, youth activism development, local and regional events, and national education and advocacy.

The COLAGE Kids of Trans program offers workshops and presentations at national and regional events as well as resources and programs specifically for people with one or more transgender parent/s. (415) 861-5437. Fax: (415) 255-8345 kidsoftrans@colage.org, www.colage.org

- Kids of Trans program: www.colage.org/programs/trans

- Pen Pal program:

www.colage.org/programs/penpals/

- 2nd Gen program (LGBTQQ people with LGBT parents):

http://www.colage.org/programs/2ndgen/

FORGE – For Ourselves: Reworking Gender Expression

FORGE is a national education, advocacy and support umbrella organization supporting FTMs, partners, family member, and allies.  Materials addressing racism, positive sexuality, violence, and transition.  Many resources for building healthy families, resolving problems in relationships, and parenting skills.  www.forge-forward.org.  414-278-6031

PFLAG

Maintains more than 450 affiliate chapters across the country. Some include members of the Transgender Support Special Outreach Network. Parents, Family, Friends of Lesbians and Gays, (202) 638-1101 Fax: (202) 638-0243 PFLAG’s transgender network (T-NET) can be found at http://pflag.org/TNET.tnet.0.html

National Center for Transgender Equality

NCTE works for the advancement of transgender people using collaboration, education, and empowerment. 202-903-0112. www.nctequality.org

NGLTF – Transgender Civil Rights Project

NGLTF is a national progressive organization working for LGBT civil rights. Their Transgender Civil Rights Project works to increase the number of state, local and federal laws that prohibit discrimination based on gender expression and identity. 202-393-5177 http://thetaskforce.org/issues/transgender

NCLR

NCLR advocates for the legal rights of transgender people in the area of parenting, custody/visitation, second-parent adoption, and other important issues. They also provide legal information and referrals. Call 800-528-6257 or visit www.nclrights.org.

Transgender Law and Policy Institute

A non-profit organization dedicated to engaging in effective advocacy for transgender people in our society. http://www.transgenderlaw.org/

EMAIL SUPPORT GROUPS

COLAGE on-line communities

Moderated online lists for youth and adults with LGBT parents to build community, get support, and meet new people.  Join an age-based list or sign up for the recently created Kids of Trans list. Just sign up on the COLAGE website http://www.colage.org/programs/online/

ACTP Yahoo Group

Moderated email group for adults (18 and over) with transgender parents. Email Zephyr117@comcast.net to sign up.

Genderqueer and Transgender Parenting List (GQTGParenting)

An inclusive community for parents and prospective parents who are transgender, transsexual, gender variant or genderqueer. Their homepage also features a resource list for transgender parents. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GQTGParenting/

TSParenting Yahoo Group

Moderated email group for transsexual parents. You must request to become a member. Web Site: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TSParenting

INTERNET RESOURCES & ARTICLES

COLAGE

Check our website for updates from the Kids of Trans program. Also, check out back issues of our newsletter, Just For Us, especially the ones focusing on gender and schools which each include sections about transgender families. You can request copies of the newsletter by emailing colage@colage.org or visit: www.colage.org

FTM International

An international organization serving the FTM community. FTMI_AFLOAT is a listserve for significant others, family, and friends of FTMs. http://www.ftmi.org/

Fluff the Bunny

A children’s story about a bunny’s journey of gender discovery. http://home.comcast.net/~fluffbunny/fluff.html

Genderology

A directory of transgender resources on the world wide web. http://genderology.com/

Gianna Israel’s Gender Library: Family by G. Israel

Articles by a therapist giving advice to transgender people and their families, including a few essays for transgender parents about coming out to their children. www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/sections/family.html

Linda’s Transsexuality Retreat: Links and Information for Transsexual Parents and Their Families

Website with links to various transgender family websites. The best links provide personal stories from a few trans families. http://www.lasimpson.org/PARENTS.html

LiveJournal Community – Transgendered Parents and Parents-To-Be.

This is a LJ community for transgender people and their partners who are parents, parents-to-be or are trying to conceive. You need a LiveJournal account to join this group. www.livejournal.com

My Father, She…

A blog created by the son of a transgender parent who was publicly fired from a private college when she transitioned. There are posts from the son and both parents. http://blog.myfathershe.com/

My Husband Betty Message Boards

Message boards created and moderated by Helen Boyd, author of My Husband Betty, with a focus on partners. Includes a forum devoted to raising kids. Users must log-in to view message board contents. http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/community/forumdisplay.php?f=34

My Mommy Is a Boy

Article discussing issues of transgender parenting with advice for parents coming out and mention of COLAGE Kids of Trans program. (Title taken from the children’s story ‘My Mommy Is a Boy’ which can be ordered at  http://jcarsner.tripod.com/id23.html) News story at: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=4536604&page=1

The Queer Issue, Two Dads With a Difference—Neither of Us Was Born Male

P.  Califia-Rice. Village Voice. June 21, 2000. http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0025/califia-rice.php

A Seat on the SOFFA

A blog written by Monica Canfield-Lenfest about her work to increase visibility and develop resources for people with transgender parents. http://supersoffa.blogspot.com

Susan’s Place, Transgender Resources

A good place to search for Transgender information, articles, groups and so on. Website: http://www.susans.org/

Transfamily

Homepage of Transfamily of Cleveland, a support network created by the parents of a transgender person. This website includes links, email lists, books, and other resources for family members of transgender persons. www.transfamily.org

Transparentcy

A great website, dedicated to the protection of transgender people’s right to be a parent, and their love for their children. www.transparentcy.org

Transsexualism FAQ for Significant Others, Friends, Family and Allies.

A Trans 101 for people close to someone undergoing a gender transition. http://www.tsfaq.info/cgi-bin/index.cgi

With Change, Acceptance is Key: Two Brothers Share How They Coped When Their Father Decided to Become a Woman
Lane DeGregory. St. Petersburg Times. April 15, 2007. http://www.sptimes.com/2007/04/15/news_pf/Floridian/With_change__acceptan.shtml

BOOKS AND PUBLICATIONS

Dress Codes- Of Three Girlhoods–My Mother’s, My Father’s, and Mine N. Howey, Picador USA, NY. 2002.
The adult daughter of a straight mother and transgender father provides a memoir of moving observations, that captures the experience of growing up with a transgender father in suburban Ohio.

Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell it Like it Is. A. Garner. Harper Collins. 2004.
This book interweaves the author’s personal experiences of growing up with a gay father and straight mother, with those of other adult children of LGBT parents, based on 8 years of activism and over 50 interviews. Features several adults with one or more transgender parent/s. Abigail’s website also featured archived advice columns to LGBT parents. www.familieslikemine.com

I Hope the Blood Never Washes Off Your Hands: Transgender Parenting Crossing the Lines, by Loree Cook-Daniels, in Home Front: Controversies in Nontraditional Parenting, edited by Jess Wells. Alyson Books. 2000.
An essay by the partner of an FTM parent who birthed their son, which examines the social challenges of transgender parenting.

Love Makes a Family: Portraits of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Parents and their Families, Peggy Gillespie. University of Massachussetts Press. 1999.
A book filled with loving portraits and stories of LGBT families.

Luna. J.A. Peters. Little, Brown, and Co.2004.
A young adult novel written from the perspective of the sister of a transgender youth. Appropriate for ages 12 and up.

Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Growing Up with Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Parents – N. Howey, and E. Samuels (ed). St. Martin’s Press. New York, NY. 2000.
A unique anthology of stories written by teens and adults with lesbian, gay, and transgender parents. This is the largest collection of essays by people with transgender parents and is highly recommended for teens and adults.

The Ties That (Don’t) Bind: Transgender Family Law and the Unmaking of Families, by Taylor Flynn, in Transgender Rights, edited by P. Currah, R. Juang, and S. Minter. U of Minnesota Press. 2006.
This essay provides an overview of family law as it has been applied to transgender parents.

Transformations: Cross-dressers and Those Who Love Them, Mariette Pathy Allen. Duttion. 1989.
Portraits of cross-dressers, some of whom are photographed with their children.

Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones – M. Boenke. Waterford Press. 1999.
Thirty one stories by spouses, parents, children, and friends exploring the journey, struggle, and delight of having a transgendered loved one.

Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working with Gender-Variant People and Their Families. Arlene Istar Lev. Haworth Press. 2004.
A guide for therapists working with transgender clients and their families from a clinical and theoretical perspective.

Transgender Tapestry
A magazine focused on transgender living, featuring an advice column by therapist Ari Lev that often discusses family issues as well as an extensive resource section.  Published by the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE). http://www.ifge.org/Category15-All.phtml

Transition and Beyond: Observations on Gender Identity. R. Vanderburgh, MA, LMFT. Q Press. 2007.
A book for therapists, family, and transgender people that explains the many issues of gender transition, written by a trans therapist. One chapter focuses specifically on coming out to children. http://www.transtherapist.com/

True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism for Family, Friends, Coworkers and Helping Professionals M. Brown, and C. Rounsley. Jossey-Bass. 1996.
Practical information to help people close to a trans person to understand transgenderism.

Trumpet J. Kay, Pantheon Books, 1998.
Fictional work that describes how a widow and adult son cope when the FTM father dies and his transsexuality becomes public.

MOVIES

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. A road movie about three transgender women driving through Australia. Toward the end of the film, one character meets her young son. 1994. Written and directed by Stephan Elliot.

The Adventures of Sebastien Cole. A coming of age indie film about a teenager who lives with his transgender step-parent and engages in risky behavior. The parent’s coming out scene is fairly realistic, but there is an unrealistic death that may be difficult for some viewers. 1998. Rated R. Written and directed by Tod Williams.

All About My Father. ­ This documentary is a touching portrait of a well-respected doctor and cross-dresser in a small Christian community in Norway, told with warmth and nostalgia by the only person who could make such a film– his son. 2002, Norway. Directed by Even Benestad.

http://www.nfi.no/english/norwegianfilms/show.html?id=16

In My Shoes. A documentary film directed by Jen Gilomen and produced by the COLAGE Youth Leadership in Action Program. This film follows the lives of five youth from LGBT families and includes one youth being raised by her transgender (FTM) guardian. This is a great tool for raising public awareness of issues impacting COLAGErs. http://www.colage.org/inmyshoes/

Myth of Father. This documentary by Paul Hill provides an intimate look into the lives of Paul’s family as they relate to his MTF father. 2003. http://hillyboob.com/MOF/MOFMain.htm

No Dumb Questions. A film by Melissa Regan. This documentary follows three young girls’ conversations about gender and acceptance when they learn that Uncle Bill will soon be Aunt Barbara. This is a good resource for talking to younger children about a family member’s transition. www.nodumbquestions.com

Normal An HBO film directed by Jane Andersen and starring Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkinson.  This movie follows husband and father Roy through his coming out and transition, addressing the reactions of his wife, co-workers, and two children. http://www.hbo.com/films/normal/

Southern Comfort. This tender documentary follows Robert Eads, a female-to-male transsexual, through the final year of his life as he battles ovarian cancer. One of Robert’s adult sons is interviewed about his mom. 2001. Directed by Kate Davis. http://www.nextwavefilms.com/southern/

Transamerica. The critically acclaimed film starring Felicity Huffman as a transgender woman who discovers she is the father of a grown son and embarks on a cross-country road trip. This movie explores issues of family, passing, and secrecy, and is intended for an adult audience. 2005. Directed by Duncan Tucker.

Transparent. A documentary film by Jules Rosskam about 19 female-to-male transsexuals living in the United States who have given birth and, in all but a few stories, gone on to raise their biological children.  2005. http://www.transparentthemovie.com/

You Don’t Know Dick: Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men. A documentary film featuring six transmen reflecting on their experience of transition from female to male. One of the men has three grown children who are interviewed, one of whom is still struggling with her parent’s transition. 1997.  Produced and directed by Candace Schermerhorn and Bestor Cram.

SCHOLARSHIPS

Lee Dubin Scholarship sponsored by COLAGE
The Lee Dubin Scholarship is for students who have one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parents.  The scholarship is to help fund undergraduate students who have a demonstrated ability in and commitment to affecting change in society and have financial need. http://colage.org/programs/academic/leedubin.htm

The Transgender Scholarship and Education Legacy Fund
This scholarship is available to transgender students who wish to pursue a career social services, health care, religious instruction, teaching, or law. The requirements and deadline information is listed below. Scholarship applications are available online at: http://www.tself.org (781) 899-2212  TSELF e-mail: carrie@tself.org

COLAGE is the only national youth-driven network of people with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer parents. Living in a world that treats our families differently can be isolating or challenging. By connecting us with peers who share our experiences, COLAGE helps us become strong advocates for ourselves and our families.

1550 Bryant Street, Suite 830
San Francisco, CA 94103
www.colage.org
415-861-5437